Ah, what fun we had last week. Talking about the internet’s least dope cars, getting our April Fools kicks all out. But this week, we return to form — to searching for the best, weirdest, wildest cars available online.
With that off week, though, came a boon — a full extra week of cars to parse through for today’s slideshow. As such, we’ve got some truly prime picks here, from imported turbo hatchbacks to long-haul motorcycles. All, of course, happen to be some of the internet’s Dopest Cars.
What this Escort lacks in photo quality, it makes up for in being a turbo widebody Ford Escort. Since this is a European import, it even gets a little bonus that our usual JDM fare doesn’t: It’s left-hand-drive.
These are the cars that were simply too good for Ford to ever give us. We may be home to the Blue Oval, but we aren’t worthy of its most interesting models. At least, for the first 25 years — after that, Ford has no say.
Imagine yourself in a boat ono a river a drag car. Big hood bulge, wide tires, V8 up front — the classic American muscle formula. Now, imagine it can actually haul stuff in the back. That, friend, is a pro street pickup truck.
And if that sounds like something you want, boy do I know how to help. There’s one in Florida just waiting for you, for a mere ten grand. The ad is even all in caps, so you know it’s a truly fast machine.
The CB500X is an interesting bike to me. It isn’t really ADV-capable, it’s not built for off-roading, but it’s not not ADV in its construction. It’s this sort of middle ground, where it can do enough but not everything. It’s An Motorcycle, for sure.
And yet, it’s one of the most popular entry-level ADV bikes you’ll see recommended online. It’s a way to get a taste, to dip your toes in to the world of two-wheeled adventures.
Or, you could just go out in a blaze of glory. There are some motorcycles I categorize as “irresponsibly cheap,” where performance gets a little too democratized. This, dear reader, is one of them.
For $3,500, you can outrun all but the fastest roadgoing cars. You can get a motorcycle learner’s permit, then hop out on this R6 and do approximately one million miles per hour. We live in an absurd world is what I’m saying.
Hey, back to turbo Fords. This one we actually did get in the States, meaning you can own a very slightly newer version than that ‘87 Escort. Airbags? Comfortable seats? What a concept.
This Focus ST is a fantastic daily driver, but one that’s still a blast when it needs to be. Don’t worry about the torque steer. It’s fun, in its own way. At least, that’s what you can tell yourself.
I’ll admit, I have never seen one of these before. Certainly not in person, and I can’t remember ever seeing one online. That’s a shame, because this is the most American Mitsubishi ever built.
This is a King Ranch long before the King Ranch. Sure, it may not have all the luxury accoutrement, but it’s a four-door jacked-up pickup with a diesel. What more could you ever want?
The older I get, the more I think Saab just got it right. Look at this car, this side profile. This is what cars should look like.
Is there a better looking car out there? Sure, the 240Z or FD RX7 may have more character, but this just seems correct. This is peak automotive design.
Consider: Jeep Wrangler. As a human being who is presumably alive, you’ve likely allocated a brain cell or two to that vehicle at some point in your life. Now, consider: Jeep Wrangler widebody.
That side skirt is sending me. Wranglers all have flared fenders, sure, but blending them together gives this Renegade a tuner vibe that I am incredibly into. I want to autocross this, slam it down on coilovers and RPF1s. I shouldn’t do this, but I want to.
I had to restrain myself, this week. Craigslist simply had too many good C10s, and I couldn’t do another Oops All X bit so soon after the purple week. Maybe someday, but for now you just get this one.
But what a one to get. The white body, with its perfect patina, makes the red wheels really pop. It’s a long bed model, in true work truck fashion, and it even has a bench seat up front. It’s perfect.
I often wonder what my life would be like had I actually gotten one of these at age 16. I considered it, they were on the shortlist for my first car. It didn’t pan out, but what if it had? Who would I be today?
Would I be some insufferable flat brim bro, spewing vape smoke out the window of that same Mazda? Would I have wrecked it within six months, my recovery time sparking a new interest in figure drawing that led me to become a famed artist? Would I be exactly the same?
You know me, I love a good Civic. This, however, might be the best Civic. I’ve always loved these early-seventies cars, with their wide, open front ends and barely-rounded bodies, but this one adds something even better to the mix: Brown.
Here at the jello picnic website, we love a brown car. We may never get that long-desired brown diesel manual Mazda Miata station wagon, but we can have this. And, really, isn’t that close enough?
I similarly had to restrain myself with Datsuns this week. Los Angeles Craigslist served me a beautiful 510 wagon, but it couldn’t outshine this absolute stunner: A gorgeous Datsun pickup.
The license plate is an anachronism, of course. This isn’t a hachiroku, it’s not a Toyota, it never featured in Initial D. But I can forgive that for such a beautiful truck. I want to drift it anyway.
If you show me a boxy sedan, I’ll be interested. If you put racing stripes on it, even better. If those stripes are the Italian flag, I’ll be over the moon. And adding Hellas? Well, that’s just cheating.
This, then, is one of the best cars. It’s a Fiat 128 that looks rally-ready, though it appears to have never been driven particularly hard. It’s just in such good shape — how could this have ever jumped on a gravel hill?
Single-color Miatas are out. All the cool kids are doing the ketchup-and-mustard look. At least, that’s what the TikTok teens say, and I’ve never been steered wrong by them before.
Truthfully, I’d picked this out even before I noticed its McDonalds color combo. The yellow alone is a selling point — who wouldn’t want a brightly-colored sports car? My next car, I think, has to be yellow. Ideally with a red hood.
Remember the time Kawasaki made a Gold Wing, with all the highway comfort and beige-tan paint of Honda’s long-haul model? You might not, but the bikes themselves remember. They can’t escape their history, but embrace the world they’ve aged into.
The Vulcan Voyager still exists, but it no longer so blatantly apes the Honda. This, I feel, is a disservice. This odd beige color is how touring bikes should look, and any deviation just feels Wrong.