Volkswagen Brasilia, BMW 2002, Dodge Tradesman: The Dopest Cars I Found for Sale Online

Back in the day, I owned one of these — a one-year-only, turbo manual Subaru Legacy wagon. It was a great car, despite costing me almost its purchase price in two years of maintenance and mods. Faster than it has any right to be, still comfortable despite lowered springs. It made me swear off boxer engines, and I immediately replaced it with another Subaru boxer.

Tan-ish, beige-ish paint. Four round headlights undivided by a grille. Two doors. A wagon rear. What more could you want? At this point, you’re just being greedy. That’s a you problem, not an issue with the car.

You ever occasionally remember the Mitsubishi Raider existed? Because I never do. I saw this listing, and I had to Google the Raider to ensure it wasn’t a grey-market import that made it stateside well before its date of legality. It’s not! It’s just a truck, but perhaps the most forgotten truck of all time.

So let’s balance it out with one of the most memorable trucks of all time. What’s better than a B2000, a badge-engineered compact pickup that could still haul and tow? Nothing, that’s what. You’re looking at the perfect truck right here.

And now you’re looking at an imperfect Camaro. The perfect one being, of course, the 1968 — when automotive design peaked in the United States. But this gorgeous green color can’t be overlooked, and it could even give this later Camaro a chance against its bigger brother. Maybe.

Speaking of automotive beauty, it’s hard to top the ideal proportions of the BMW 2002. Sure, the paint isn’t perfect, but what is? Ours is a messy world, rife with greed and vitriol and hate. Perhaps this is the 2002 we deserve.

Underneath this terrifying body lies a beautiful 1959 Corvette, waiting to be rescued. Like Rapunzel in her tower, this ‘Vette lies trapped — not by altitude, but by this sheet meal that’s been somehow branded a Pontiac. What is this? Why is this?

This Lincoln is a commemorative edition, bearing precious metals emblazoned with Lincolns of olde. The company was so, so proud of this “Collector’s Edition” Mark VIII it had built, that it individually numbered each one. The car itself, unfortunately, is just An Nineties American Luxury-Ish Sedan. It’s probably fine.

My first motorcycle was almost identical to this — a Honda CB400, essentially a CM with a steeper rake to the fork and a flatter seat. It was a fun project to work on, and this one looks to be in even more dire need of repairs. If you need something to occupy your time this coming spring, look no further.

What’s the wildest motorcycle-to-engine ratio you’ve ever seen? This 50cc mill, comically small within the Itom’s frame, might be mine. It’s just so tiny in there. Look at it. It’s just a little guy. The bike is absolutely gorgeous, but that one tiny cylinder is just hilarious.

This M3's license plate bears the word “Dynen.” On a BMW, one would assume that means Dinan, the famed BMW tuner and manufacturer of this car’s intake and chip tune. I, however, want to propose a different theory: Maybe this BMW owner loves going to restaurants, and absolutely loathes takeout.

This Dodge Tradesman is comically proportioned, too tall for its length and too small for its wheels. It also has no power steering, which the seller discusses at length in their ad. But y’know what it does have? Sidepipes. Hell yeah.

Dear every automaker: Please bring back this kind of pale pastel blue shade. It used to be not-uncommon on interesting cars, and now you can’t find it if you try. Please, I know we ask for a lot of colors, but maybe this one’s desaturated enough to actually consider.

This isn’t the first getaway vehicle ver posted to Dopest, but it might be the coolest. This Steyr is enormous, fully outfitted for living, and it’s the pale tan of your favorite Tacoma. What’s not to love?

It’s simply not a Dopest Cars of mine if there aren’t any Civics. I didn’t make this rule, it was handed down to me by forces immaterial and unimaginable that lurk in the shadowed corners of my nightmares. A Dopest without Civics will mean my immediate and untimely end, and that sounds really inconvenient.