Are you bored of driving the same old staid, practical cars? Are you sick of driving boredom? Are you tired of being anonymous? Don’t you just want to go ape shitt? Don’t worry, friend. I’m here to help.
It’s a Saturday, so you’re getting another weekly installment of all the cars worth buying online. The best, the neatest, the most out-there rides, and also probably a Land Cruiser because of who I am as a person. Welcome, reader, to Dopest Cars for January 28th, 2023.
In my youth, I was convinced that a mid-seventies Kawasaki KZ900 was the new Kawasaki, all yellow and black, of Mountain Goats fame. In retrospect, I’m not sure why I ever thought John Darnielle was old enough for that to be true, but the bike itself remains absolutely gorgeous. Picture yourself atop this, with the big orange sun at your back. Doesn’t that seem nice?
Yes, this is less a “dope car” and more a “dope assembly of car pieces,” but what really defines a motor vehicle? How necessary is that motor, in the grand scheme of things? This Blazer may not have anything in its expansive engine bay, but doesn’t that just make it a vehicle for all possible futures? You could put anything in there.
I promised you weirdness today, and you’re getting it here: A 2.5-liter turbocharged inline six-cylinder under the hood of a right-hand-drive station wagon, with two unicorns sitting centered on its grille. Let’s see your neighbor Alan, the guy who’s so involved with the HOA and is always breathing down your neck about the cars in your driveway even though they clearly run and are in use as transportation no matter how much he’d rather you ditch them and lease a Lexus ES like he does, respond to that.
Speaking of wagons. I know, I know, an Accord isn’t the most out-there vehicle ever to grace the slides of Dopest Cars. But this, a beige Accord wagon with a row-your-own five-speed, is at least worthy of consideration. You don’t see buttoned-up commuter wagons any more, and it’s a shame — these old cars are cool.
You also don’t see these any more: Practical, reasonably-sized pickup trucks with absolutely buckwild names. Mitsubishi, please, give us another Mighty Max. I literally do not care how good it is, just build us a tiny pickup and write those two words on it. I promise you’ll sell tens of them.
Is this Ford Ranch Wagon, technically, a wagon? It only has two doors, so you could make the argument it’s actually a shooting brake. Actually, you don’t have to, because I will: This Ford Ranch Wagon is actually a shooting brake, and that makes it even cooler than the name implies.
Do you watch a little too much Mighty Car Mods? Has their love of weird JDM nuggets infected you with the desire for a Daihatsu? Well, friend, look no further — I present Marty and Moog’s preferred chassis. Seriously, they’ve had so many of these, there must be something to them, right?
If you liked the idea of that Stagea, but you just don’t want to deal with all that pesky cargo space (I get it, that’s why I swapped a wagon for an FR-S), I’ve got the car for you. It’s no GT-R, but this R33 Skyline has all the style of its Godzilla sibling — as well as a rear-drive layout to help you with your drifts.
I know, I know, I promised uniquity and here I am offering up a Wrangler. First off, most of the mall-crawling Wranglers you see on the roads differ greatly from this one — they have six cylinders, four doors, automatic transmissions, and body panels that all match. Secondly, sometimes a Wrangler is just the right vehicle for the job. You can’t beat the correct answer.
I can already hear you. “Steve,” you exclaim, “That’s way too cheap for a 308 GTS! There must be something deeply wrong with it.” You’re right, there is: the engine’s been pulled from the car and partially disassembled. But, hey, this is Jalopnik — are you saying you don’t want a project car?
Well, if not, I’ve got something else for you. A turbocharged Daihatsu van, which the seller claims is completely rust-free and in perfect working order. Personally, I’d argue the wheels hold it back from any definition of “perfect,” but that’s on you to fix. You just need to buy it first.
The Honda ATC was a three-wheeled ATV built for adults and sold to children, all of whom immediately injured themselves riding it. But if you’re reading this, I assume you’re not a child, and I can recommend that you try an ATC out. Unless you are a child, in which case, how did you get here? Your parents should monitor your internet usage more carefully.
“Steve, you already put a compact Japanese van in the slideshow this week.” I do not care. These slides are for the Dopest Cars, and there are few things doper than a Honda Acty. Be glad I didn’t make this an Oops, All Honda Actys edition of Dopest. Should I do that? Email me if I should.
Since watching FortNine’s video on trials bikes, I’ve been incredibly intrigued by these lightweight, tiny motorcycles. I don’t have three grand to spend on one, but you might — and you should buy this in my stead. Live the life I can’t, such that I might experience it vicariously through you.
I present to you: Connecticut car culture, summarized. A not-current-but-not-too-old Audi, wearing a slew of terrible aesthetic mods, listed for far too much money on Marketplace. The aftermarket hood on this car doesn’t even have a scoop or vent in the center — that’s just a hole. What are the red circles for, pretending you’re a Subaru with Hella Supertones? Did Fitment Industries really recommend that offset for your wheels? Why are the headlights red? This is consummate Connecticut.