Piaggio Ape, Porsche 944 Turbo, Honda CX500 Turbo: The Dopest Cars I Found for Sale Online

It may be Saturday for you, out there in the world, but as I write this from the rapidly-darkening Jalopnik offices it’s Tuesday — Tiny Truck Tuesday. In accordance with that most ancient and revered of temporal laws, I present a truck so tiny it doesn’t even need wheels. It’s also covered in flowers, because what’s more friend-shaped than that?

This is a Piaggio Ape, a small truck built for small jobs. Do you, reader, really need any more truck than this? Can you not get a UHaul for the once per year you move? Sacrifice that unneeded practicality, the enormous beds of modern vehicles, and get yourself this friendly little flower truck.

Okay, sure, this S14 is in bad shape. It appears to have been hit in the side by some sort of freight locomotive or Kryptonian expat, crushing the driver’s door and quarter panel in. But here’s the thing: It’s an S14. They’re all like this.

But they aren’t all bone-stock, with low six figure mileage. The seller claims this 240SX drives straight, which means it’ll drift straight. You were going to cut up the rear fenders anyway to add flares, and if you’re spending $4,500 on an S-chassis I’m willing to bet you’re planning for it to end up smashed anyway.

If the Piaggio wasn’t your speed, don’t worry — there’s more Tiny Truck Tuesday to be had. How about a kei truck this time, some JDM to differ from the Euro of the Ape? This Suzuki Carry will fit the bill just fine.

The Carry has a full four wheels, all of them driven by the 660cc kei engine. You could take this off-road, into the depths of parts unknown, and not be stopped by narrow trails that would force Jeeps to turn tail. I can’t think of a better off-roader for the tight woods of New England.

I may have been born in the mid-’90s, but I imagine this Volkswagen Bus would be a perfect portal back to 1972. The colors are already incredibly seventies, and the sepia-toned photograph in the listing truly echoes that fifty-year-old energy.

The seller claims this bus has been well-maintained, and “RUNS PERFECT.” If you can think of a more suitable road trip vehicle, leave it in the comments, but I think this VW takes the throne.

This 944, by contrast, is far from “PERFECT.” It’s clearly been repainted, a modification that the seller readily admits (the car was original black), and the ad claims it’s “not running 100%.” What that means is left up to your interpretation, but trust that the car might make it home — so long as you live close by.

If it does, though, the trip will be a blast. I’ve always thought the 944 deserved a better reputation than it got, and the Turbo S model is the best of them all. All those cosmetic defects are just discounts.

This is the kind of track car I’d buy, if I had the time in my schedule and money in my bank account. A CRX is lightweight, nimble, and fun, but this one’s been laden with enough aftermarket gear to make it a true road course resident. Wheels and tires, suspension, a battery cutoff, a B16C1 block with a B16a head for VTEC — it’s ready to go.

So long as you only need it on track, or are very willing to accept the compromises for street use. This Honda doesn’t exactly look comfortable to go grab groceries in, but maybe that’s your speed. I don’t judge.

I’m a simple person. I see the hard, pointed lines of a BMW 2002, and I put it in my spreadsheet for the week’s installment of Dopest. This one is far from the nicest we’ve had in our slideshows, and for that I love it.

The paint needs work. The interior is dirty and tired. The engine bay bears a concerning amount of patina for such critical infrastructure. But these are fixable problems, and they’re all on a car worth fixing.

This van is slightly older than the ‘86 Ram Van of School of Rock fame, but look at how perfect this one would be for a touring band. A comfortable interior with retro styling, chairs and tables for hanging out between the soundcheck and the show. There’s room for gear, and room to spare if you throw a rack on its extended roof.

Guitars and amps in the back, drum kit in boxes on the roof or a U-Haul trailer towed behind. Cruising out to fifteen cities, each venue somehow more dingy than the last. By the time you’re wondering how a floor can even be this sticky, you’re headed back home. That’s the dream.

Take a Golf GTI, one of the best hot hatches on the market. Give it a trunk, making more room for your rear passengers. Then make it bright yellow, with matching inserts across the interior. That’s a perfect formula, isn’t it?

If you think so, this is the car for you. A 2007 GLI Fahrenheit, one of only a handful produced for the year. I’ve long said that all cars should be yellow or purple, and this stands as more evidence to support my case.

Do you want to be free of it all? Take off your tie, step out of that office door, and start fresh? Do you want to make people smile wherever you go, brighten the day of every single person you see? Do you want to sell ice cream?

If you said yes to any one of these questions, you should buy this soft-serve truck. It’s exactly what you want in life — something different, something that breaks up the monotony of office life but still pays the rent. At least, hopefully it does. Maybe don’t buy it if you’re north of the Arctic Circle.

It’s funny how words change. In 2023, we would never call this a “sedan” — it would be a shooting brake, wagon, or “What is that? I’ve never seen a car look like that before.” Probably more of the latter than anything else, judging by the cars you see on the roads every day.

But while the words have changed, the appeal hasn’t. This is a two-door cargo hauler with a 327 engine and and positraction, all stuffed beneath clean, simple retro styling. It’s a ye olde Cayenne Turbo S, but one that’ll get far more looks at a Cars and Coffee.

You know my stance on wheels: tri-spokes till I die spokes. This Saab splits the spokes, so you could make the argument that it’s really six, but I don’t subscribe to that view — they’re three at the hub, and that’s what counts.

Oh, also, the wheels support a car. A manual, turbocharged, Swedish car with six cylinders and all-wheel-drive. It’s basically perfect, everything you could ever want in a sleeper sedan, but most importantly: Those wheels.

The longtime readers of Dopest out there may know that I tried to buy a yellow F650GS back before I ever got my current G310. The deal didn’t work out, but I never fully lost interest in these bigger single-cylinder adventure machines — especially with how dirt cheap, and dirt capable, they are.

Take this one, for instance: Runs and drives, multiple keys, clean title, and it costs just $2,500. You could spend more than that on a watch, and all it would do is tell you the time — not take you to the ends of the earth. I know which I’d rather see.

I’ll let RyanF9 handle this one.

I present: A motorcycle with a longitudinal V-twin engine and the word “TURBO” written on the muffler — plus tri-spoke wheels. If you need more of a sales pitch than that, I worry for you. What happened to your childlike wonder? Your sense of glee? Are you doing okay, bud?

If not, maybe this CX500 can help. I’m told that once you try a bike with a longitudinal engine, you’ll never go back, so I imagine one that combines that sensation with turbo boost would be incredible. But, there’s only one way to know for sure, isn’t there?